ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
You Might Also Like
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
Maths meets science
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
。
。
.
.
.
.
.
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.