If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
You Might Also Like
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
lmao
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
The secret to work life balance is generational wealth
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
Hi everyone,
Funny Tweeter is undergoing maintenance during which certain features of the site won’t be available. We’re trying to get back to normal as soon as possible. 😊
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”