me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
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becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
Always 🥴
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
How animals would run if they were human
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”