The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
You Might Also Like
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line