Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
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If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
buying dead houseplants to save time
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
I bet
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.