Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
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my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.