[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
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If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.
Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags