I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
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When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
I am a gravy boat captain
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.