All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
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I think about this a lot
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
the saddest jazz hands ever
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.