The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
You Might Also Like
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
If snakes were wide