I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
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Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
The government even made aliens boring
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
Adultry does not sound fun at all