With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
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People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.