richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
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I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.