I really want to retire but these stupid bills just keep
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Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.