“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
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Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.