God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
You Might Also Like
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
I hope Alan is OK
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.