WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
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Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
man: wait
time: no
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
taking June’s advice to heart
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
Spa day..😅
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*