I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
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Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
This will never not be funny 😭
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800