He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
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Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
Batman v Dracula
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.