20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
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What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.