Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
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Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭