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Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
*uses Oujia board*
SMELLS LIKE UPDOG
me: what’s updog?
NOT MUCH, DOG, JUST ABOUT TO POSSESS YOUR CAT
me: what
cat: what
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.