1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
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I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
Is this a threat?
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in