Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
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Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
Noah
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
Education is vital
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.