me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
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Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
What
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
When you “pspspsp” too hard
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there