Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
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Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
Kidney stones? Hard pass
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
Yoda telling a girl she can join the school marching band
March, April May
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.