people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
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Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
Safety first
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.