No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
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A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
I’d rather go liquor treating.