[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
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I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.