Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
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This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.