Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
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At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
Miscakes
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.