violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
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If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
sin harder.
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”