How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
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Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
Mistakes were made
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
I didn’t come here to be called names
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.