Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
You Might Also Like
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar