“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
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Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,