It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
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“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
three things we don’t talk about
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.