Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
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please stand back I’m about to make this worse
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
That took me a moment.
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
The three genders.
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the