well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
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Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
Based Erika
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches