My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
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[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
How actors in movies eat their food
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
This makes total sense…
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
for all #parents out there
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.