My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
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this is why you should always wash behind your ears
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.