Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
You Might Also Like
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
Doggies just call it style.
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.