Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
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I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS