My daughter said it’s 11:11 make a wish and my son said I wish everyone would shut up so I think he’s ready for adulthood now.
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Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
The Others (2001)
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*