My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
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What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
Huge, if true.
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
Lassie, get help!
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
When a shoelace touches your ankle
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian