Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
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If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
Saturday
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck