The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
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I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
Holy crap this is wonderful
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!