Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
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Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
At my elementary “graduation” my teacher was retiring, and the teacher giving the speech kept saying the event was about her, which was odd. But now my family has a running joke with every graduation, award, wedding etc where we go “Congrats, but really this is about Ms.—–“
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.