the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
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I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.