Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
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[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
Did…did a minotaur write this
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
tell em, edith-anne
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
Mood.. 😂