Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
You Might Also Like
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
Always…
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well